Technology has never been better than it is today which can have major benefits but for some, it could be considered a downfall.
As I've written before, we do In Vitro Fertilization in order to ensure our children are free from a future of Huntington Disease - a genetically inherited brain disease that does not skip a generation and has a 50% chance of affecting each child born to someone with HD.
As many people commonly believe, multiples are common in IVF however, this is true mostly by choice (even if 'semi-accidental') rather than fate.
Many people who undergo IVF implant a single embryo resulting in a single fetus (baby) while others are implanting multiple embryos with the goal that one of them adheres and is successful for pregnancy. Multiple implants has a clear risk (semi-accidental) of more than one embryo adhering and resulting in twins or triplets (or more!). Patients and physicians work together to decide the best course of action given their situation and challenges.
Our course of action is a single implant.
Reasons for a single implant:
- Multiple implants can mean multiple babies = higher risk pregnancy
- An embryo that is frozen and thawed has its outer layer thinned for better adherence when implanted causing a weakening of the membrane. This presents a higher risk of embryo splitting (identical twins)
- Under age 35
Our Journey
The week of mother's day we implanted a single embryo and 2 weeks later found out my blood test was positive for pregnancy!
Light the fireworks! Sound the alarm! YES!!
By the 5th week when we went in for an ultrasound I was feeling awful and was convinced I had to be pregnant. I had even wondered for a brief moment if we were that odd couple that ended up with twins (given our luck for playing the odds anyways, yet we've not be fortunate on the lottoMax side of things).
During our ultrasound the doctor was scanning and mentioned a second sac.
"Excuse me? Did you just say second sac?!" I asked, while already being fully aware of what that meant.
The physician gave a small smirk and said, "yes, there's two in there!"
An overwhelming sense of various emotions came over me and I immediately broke into tears and said something along the lines of,
"Holy F****g S**t!!!"
Mike had a big goofy smile on his face with a nervous chuckle.
"How will I tell them apart?! How will I know who I fed last? How am I going to breastfeed both? Wow this is exciting! Will I ever sleep? Thank God it'll be winter and Mike will be around more to help! etc...." and the thoughts went on, and on...
Turns out, at our facility having identical twins with IVF and frozen embryos has approximately a 1.6% chance of happening.... 1.6%. (Honestly, how have we not won the financial lottery yet?!)
Eventually the shock wore off (2 weeks later) and we started to examine how our life needed to change to accommodate twins. A vehicle change, an additional car seat, crib, stroller, etc... It partly felt as if we were planning for our first born all over again.
By week 10 I had a follow-up ultrasound with a high risk OB since I wasn't 'allowed' a midwife for this pregnancy.
Into the ultrasound room I went.
I immediately knew something was wrong when she spent a ton of time taking photos on my lower left pelvic area of twin #1 and very little time checking out my right upper area where twin #2 was.
Herein the rollercoaster of life continued.
One twin had stopped growing around the 8-9 week period and there was no longer a heart beat.
The other twin - growth totally on track.
Insert: Shock. Disappointment. Relief. Sadness. Happiness. Confusion. Self-reflection. Blame.
Everything, again, shockingly unexpected. More emotions to digest after finally settling our minds with going from a family of 3 to one of 5.
It really wasn't until after we left the appointment altogether that the grief sunk in.
Grief is a funny thing though. As much as you try to fight it, you need to face it head on. This was so challenging given that we still have something to be grateful for - another baby.
But - We lost a baby. We lost a baby who had a heartbeat. We lost a baby that has the same DNA as the other one still living. We lost the future we envisioned with twins.
Why is the other one still ok?
So many questions that can't be answered but we suspect since they shared a placenta and have the same DNA, it must have been a cord issue as it was the only other thing different between them. Or maybe my body wasn't on board with twins.
Who knows?
We sure don't.
Processing Grief and Celebration
At the root of it all; we lost a child and their future. Our child lost their twin.
That is heartbreaking.
I'm honestly not sure whether we've really taken the time to grieve this loss in its entirety or if we've come to the acceptance stage faster than anticipated. I suppose earlier acceptance is possible given that we still have another baby to be thankful for, and oh my, are we thankful!
Given my history and experience with grief, I do believe that it is something that needs to be on the forefront for a short while, where you can be real and honest with your emotions (denial, rage, despair, acceptance), but not dwell in them.
I'm now 5 months through this pregnancy and have been feeling baby move since 15 weeks, which in itself is satisfying and provides monumental daily relief!
I can't be sure if I will have a mixed bag of emotions when baby is born, but we will find out next year!
