*I'm not here to say that one type of miscarriage is worse than another, but that there are different things to consider when talking to couples undergoing fertility treatments to assist in the creation of their family. For me, I can offer the perspective of someone who has used fertility assistance, namely In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).
Understandably the first thing you hear from people when they get wind you've miscarried is, "Everything happens for a reason", "Something must have just not been healthy with the baby" or my personal favourite, "You can always keep trying".
Stop. Right. There.
Someone going through fertility treatments like IVF does not have an unlimited number of chances to conceive a healthy baby and it certainly is not something they can casually work on next month. I am not saying that people aren't sympathetic to a loss whether it's IVF created or not, but there is certainly a lack of knowledge and compassion regarding the ways in which we should be supporting one another. If you've said these things in the past, don't stress out over it. It's pretty much accepted that your intentions have been innocent, but this is your opportunity to gain perspective.
Here is a breakdown of WHY those statements may hurt the fertility dependent person's feelings.
1. "Everything happens for a reason" - Hopeful parent's thoughts "So, have I been a terrible person who deserved that loss? Is there some reason that I should not be blessed with a child? If I lost this pregnancy, will I win the lottery? Is there a trade off or something I haven't been told about? Moreover, if there is a reason, please, explain it to me."
2. "The baby may have not been healthy" - With IVF there is the amazing ability (and added cost) to test each embryo for DNA imperfections, aka. chromosome abnormalities, and patients are able to choose NOT to implant them. Why would they do this? Because these eggs would not likely develop if implanted, or, they would develop with severe disabilities or die from disease. So for us, we actually KNEW it was healthy and it should have developed into a healthy baby.
You aren't required to provide the grieving person with an explanation of why this has happened so instead of making a speculative statement if you aren't familiar with the process of IVF, lend a ear for them to share their story, bring them a meal or offer your help in other ways.
3. "You can always keep trying" - Ya we could, but did you know IVF isn't free and egg retrievals are very labour and time intensive. The process is mentally and physically draining on someone and their relationship and IVF takes months to complete. After weeks of hormones, ultrasounds and blood work you may be ready for an egg extraction and if you are, you're crossing every finger and toe that you get enough to have at least 1 to implant. If you are screening for genetic diseases, you then have to wait 4-6 weeks for the tests to be run on all the ones who were extracted, and successfully grew to an implant stage. Then when they results come in, you may find that your number is narrowed down further. So anyone going through IVF is hoping for as many eggs as possible from the get-go, and even if you get a lot, there's no guarantee they make it to the implant stage.
In conclusion, 'trying' is more than spending a few nights of getting carried away in your birthday suits. It's absolute dedication financially, emotionally and physically for an extended period of time. However, it's worth it when you get a positive outcome.
*To reiterate, if you've said these things, don't beat yourself up. It's hard to understand how other people feel about something when you've never experienced it yourself. Lucky for you, I'm here sharing some perspective however, these are only my personal opinions and by no means offer a guarantee others in a similar situation feel the same. *
The fact is, supporting someone who miscarries is actually pretty simple.
The first thing to remember is that they are undergoing a huge emotional and physical upset. The hormones they had to take for so long are stopped cold turkey. Their emotions are going to be a hot mess and not just the disaster that comes with any usual period, this is a bleed because they lost the baby they've already imagined raising. The bleed they will have is going to be angry and raging likely giving them increased PMS-like symptoms. Their optimism for future chances of a child may falter and they may be blaming themselves for the failed pregnancy. They may be eager to try again for the next one or they may need some time to digest the full weight of what has happened.
Everyone will react differently and everyone does not cope in the same way.
When someone, anyone, miscarries a baby or doesn't have a successful pregnancy in any way, the most important thing you can do is - listen.
There certainly is no expectation that you are going to solve their problem. You don't need to have a response or answers for that matter, but you need to offer an open and nonjudgmental ear and perhaps shoulder to cry on. If you don't have time to chat on the phone or stop by for a visit, send them a message that you are thinking of them through a challenging time and state that you are there to support them - but only if you mean it.
It's easy as pie to offer the, "if you need anything let me know" statements, but if you've ever gone through a shit storm yourself, you know that there is so much emotional chaos that you can't recall what you ate yesterday let alone who offered their help. That's why the second most important thing is to, followup!
The heartache of a loss does not disappear after the day it occurs. The couple will be grieving the future they foresaw that child to have, the sibling they would have been, and the love and laughter they would have provided. More, the people who have undergone fertility treatments have more than likely paid big bucks to get that implant done in the first place. They would have travelled numerous days to and from appointments while gas prices were at an all time high, and at times forced to spend vacation like prices at downtown hotels, without the vacation. Most importantly, they've undergone more emotional and physical stress than a week long marathon.
I've personally heard a million times that people are there if I needed them, but then I've never heard from them again, unless I ran into them at the grocery store, or I can't recall who even said it. On top of which, it's hard to ask for help or admit that you need help. It is my opinion, the people who followup are true friends who have their heart invested in yours. They are the ones who send you a text or hand written card (the best!!) on a Tuesday afternoon just to let you know they are thinking about you. These people offer that glimmer of positivity and light when the world appears to be covering in intimidating dark, dagger throwing clouds.
If you know someone who has opened up about the loss of a pregnancy, be a friend.
Be a support.
Listen & followup.
This pic needed to be paired with this post. It's an oldie and there are certainly some missing that should be here too, but I am SO blessed to be friends with these ladies. Through it all, they are always there - near or far - 100%.
XOXOX
